But its tiny teeth were sharp and it fixed me with a hungry squint.

The creature, as per its terms of service, skittered around the kitchen for a bit, eliciting pretend-frightened “oohs” and “aahs” from the 20 or so children gathered to watch.

But it was soon whisked away for another pressing appointment and so we proceeded to the birthday cake stage of the evening.

You can read all the parenting manuals in the world — there are quite a few —– but there are certain aspects of child-rearing for which there is simply no preparing. For instance, throwing a razzle-dazzle party for your six year-old, at which blockbuster entertainment is obligatory and where nobody can hear your credit-card scream.

The average cost of a birthday party in the UK has been estimated at circa €550 by website Mumset – give or take the odd sterling collapse – with the gifts you are required to splurge on for other children’s birthdays raising the cost by an additional €195. It’s a fair bet the sums are even higher in Ireland.

Birthday parties have clearly changed since our day. In addition to “reptile parties” – good luck asking for change from €300 – you may find yourself guilt-tripped into retaining the services of magicians, clowns, and the occasional inflatable castle / pirate ship / scale replica Sagrada Família.

But fear not – to make your life (slightly) easier we have assembled the ultimate guide to kids parties (we did say it would only make it slightly easier). Read on if you dare. Or collapse in a heap and mutter a silent prayer to the money gods (one day they’ll answer). It’s up to you really.

1: Manage expectations

Your child is about to celebrate a birthday. They are of course excited about inviting friends and shunting you further along the road to bankruptcy.

So it’s important from the outset that they know what they are getting – i.e. a cake, amateur-dramatic level entertainment from an under-employed actor and quality time with their pals, all fuelled by gargantuan quantities of crisps and fizzy treats.

What they aren’t getting is all the Fortnite time they want, a trampoline like the one Nathan from school is always banging on about (yes, bloody Nathan again), and a firework display in the garden.

But hysterical children can turn into tired, weepy children very quickly – much like adults really – so try to dial down their anticipation.

That way, they hopefully won’t be too devastated when the party is revealed to be a literally damp squib (actually they probably will be devastated – but at least you’ll have got your defence in first).

2: Be careful who you invite

In an ideal world, you’d get away with inviting nobody at all. But as the existence of George Ezra confirms, the world in which we live is far from ideal. Moreover, children for some reason actively enjoy the friendship of their peers (they’ll learn) so you’re going to have to invite at least some of those.

Here you will need to be alert to the minefield of school anti-bullying guidelines. Some have an “all or nothing” policy – you invite the entire class or none at all.

This is to prevent cliques and stop unpopular kids being marginalised. Strictly speaking you’re under absolutely no obligation to invite all 25 of your child’s classmates – but the school may have a different opinion, so be aware.

3: Do you want the parents to stay?

Obviously not, as the only thing worse than trying to prevent semi-feral kids destroying your house is trying to stop semi-feral kids destroying your house while you exchange strained pleasantries with adults you barely know.

Again, parents may have a different perspective and might conclude you can’t be 100 per cent trusted to look after their children (pah!). In the event they want to linger – and a few will – consider some grown-up refreshments.

With an under-cooked canapé wedged in their gob, their ability to force small talk on you will be severely impaired.

4: Yes, maybe you should just take it to the nearest soft play area

Your local Jungle Zone / Monkey Pit / Safari Village – can someone quickly explain the soft-play industry’s obsession with African mega-fauna ?– will help ease the party pain.

For a fair price, they’ll handle the heavy lifting (note this does not include actually lifting your children – you’ll have to do that yourself).

That burning smell are your savings going up in smoke – but at least you won’t have to answer the door to a stranger cradling a crocodile. Unless that’s your thing (there are no judgements here).

5: Watch out for the flakey parent

There’s always one. The mother or father who neglected to inform you of their child’s life-threatening allergy until you’re waving a plate of nutty treats under their nose.

The parent who forgot to organise a lift home and is still on your couch drinking tea at 9pm? Or the one who just has that sightly crazy glimmer and laughs at their own jokes (even when they haven’t spoken out loud). It’s a valuable lesson for the birthday boy or girl – the world is full of weirdos and you’re eventually going to end up making small talk with one in your living room.

6: Don’t let the entire neighbourhood sample your bouncy castle.

Unless you live in a “one-off” house in the sticks – congratulations on your 24 ensuite bathrooms, we’re all so very jealous – the entire street is going to know you’ve hired a bouncy castle. The entire street is also going to want to test out your bouncy castle.

Best to say “no” as far as is practicable. You don’t want to see your neighbours’ children out in the road crying (well maybe you do, a bit) but the bouncy castle is for one specific purpose: to give your kid a birthday they will remember forever (by “forever” we of course mean until the middle of next week.

No use in complicating things by having your back garden overrun with random thrill-chasers.

7: Get used to the taste of birthday cake.

Children love to “ooh” and “aah” over birthday cakes, especially when you’ve arranged for icing in the likeness of Kylo Ren’s chin. They enjoy the whole blowing-out-candles-whilst-hopefully-not-setting-themselves-on-fire thing too.

What they aren’t keen on, you will learn, is actually eating birthday cake.

Especially if they’ve spent the previous three hours gorging on Haribo. But you paid 30 quid for it – so look forward to eating it alone, perhaps with tears streaming down your cheeks, after everybody else has gone to bed.

8: Party bags…mandatory!

Back in the day, you were lucky to return from another child’s party without having contracted mild food-poisoning or needing emergency dentistry.

But today children expect a shindig where there is literally something for everyone in the room – i.e. a take-away bag stuffed with lovely treats.

It’s a bit like an under-age version of the goodie bags they hand out at the Oscars, with fewer solid gold mobile phone chargers and more cheapo sweets purchased in a panic that morning.

There will be screams and tears if you forget – and, yes, that is just the parents.