Winning the war on peaceful parenting skills: We talk to three experts
Whether dealing with toddlers or teenagers, parents need to establish a positive system of discipline, writes
If your childhood memories involve being chased around the house by a parent wielding a wooden spoon, then the notion of disciplining your children might make you a little queasy.
We consulted the experts about the most effective rules when it comes to putting manners on our youngest family members and the answer, they say, is love, not war.
Toddlers and Pre-schoolers
When it comes to the smallest of children, it’s less about teaching consequences, and more about loving them in an environment where they feel safe to develop.
Mum of five and senior child,adolescent, and educational psychologist Catherine Hallissey says a lot of what we are taught about discipline is based on misinformation.
“We know that the brain is not fully formed until the age of 25, so an awful lot of our parenting expectations are just not developmentally appropriate,” she explains.
Discipline means to teach; it doesn’t mean to punish or reward. It is not about us shaping them, it’s about guiding them on their own unique path.
More than anything, during the early years children need love and support, says the psychologist.
“Grandparents are a great example. They usually have the wisdom of what they have done wrong and they know that it’s all about relationship and filling that emotional cup.”
If children are not doing well it’s our job as parents to find out why, she says.
“We must find the unmet needs and meet them. We must find the skills that aren’t developed yet and teach them and we must find the barriers in the environment and remove them.”
For most parents of pre-school children, bedtime can be the most stressful time of day.
“We are not designed to be away from our children at night. The survival of our species revolved around being close to our parents, so we are already going against the way we are made,” says Hallissey.
She suggests pjs and tooth brushing straight after dinner, followed by quiet play and cuddles. “This slower way will result in a much more gentle transition into bed,” she says.
The key to disciplining toddlers and pre-schoolers is the opposite of what we think it to be, says Hallissey.
Our job as parents is to allow your children to unfold into the people that they were truly meant to be.
The Primary Years
Looking to children aged five to 11, psychologist and parent coach Trevor Higgins believes that teaching children to make better choices based on aculture set from within the family is a goal we should all aspire to.
As father to nine and 12-year-olds, Higgins says it is important to note that there is no “one rule fits all”solution when it comes to children.
Rather than enforcing rules on this age group, the parenting coach suggests presenting our expectations and standards as parents in three main categories: Gentle, kind, and polite. “Gentle refers to the idea of being physically gentle,” he says.
“Being kind takes in helping others, sharing with others, making others feel good by our actions or things we say. Polite is more about manners and the idea of social rules and conventions and family culture.
“Some of these things are personal and cultural, but polite captures what the rules of engagement are within a family.”
When a parent is looking at a child’s behaviour, these threetenants can be used both when it’s going well and not going well at all. “So, ‘I like the way you are being gentle with your sister’ is a positive reinforcement,” he explains.
“Then, when they don’t want to do something or they are saying mean things to their sibling, you would say ‘are you being kind?’”
Higgins suggests the word consequences instead of discipline.
“Children understand the idea of natural consequences already, so for example, if it’s raining and they go outside without a hat, the natural consequence of that will be that their head gets wet,” he says. “This marries really well with the example of a child playing out on their scooter, going past the point that their parent said they could go.
"The logical consequence is that the scooter is taken. The thrust of it all is that the child is navigating his or her world and making choices and learning that some choices will be rewarded and some choices will have consequences that will decrease the likelihood of them doing it again.”
In order for this method to work effectively, it is essential that the family realises that consequences are not always negative. “A positive consequence of you finishing dinner could be that you get to have dessert. It doesn’t have to contain a moral judgement and this is really good for parents because it effectively removes the emotional component, which as a parent can be very hard to navigate,” he says.
The Teenage Years
columnist and author of , Richard Hogan says that to expect positive behaviour from your teenager, you must have the groundwork laid from the early years.
“I see a lot of conflict happen when parents realise that the teenagers are out of control and they can’t parent or discipline them because there have never been boundaries or rules in place to begin with,” he says.
Hogan points to a generation of parents reacting to their own authoritarian upbringing as the source of lots of problems with parenting today.
In a backlash to the austere parenting style they experienced, they have established no boundaries with their own children.
"As a result, what has happened is that these children cannot navigate any rules or regulations, because they have never had them,” he says.
“The children don’t have any concept of boundaries or compromise and they don’t have any resilience because they have never had to experience any consequences for their behaviours.”
All parents hope to launch healthy, successful, self-directed and self-motivated children out into the world, says Hogan.
“Ultimately, what we want to do is make them so self-aware that they can make the right decisions when we are not around. “These boundaries that you bring in during the teenage and formative years are there to help them to manage themselves.”
The key to discipline and the teenager is a long leash, he says.
“What you want to have is a holding autonomy where the child feels like they are autonomous but there are also distinct boundaries in place,” he says.
A really healthy family allows for the child to be a part of and separate from the family unit. The idea is that you let the line off a bit to give them freedom, but as the parent, you never let go of the line itself.
