Ellie Goulding has admitted the last year has been “the hardest of my life” as she struggled with “a kind of panic I didn’t know existed”.
The chart-topping musician, who recently performed at the Royal Christmas carol concert, said despite being able to escape her anxiety on stage she still felt “crippled” by it and “broken inside”.
In an emotional and personal post on Instagram she urged those with similar feelings to talk about their struggles, something she described as “the hardest, and the best thing you can do”.
“I’ve struggled daily, nightly, hourly, with a kind of panic I didn’t know existed,” she wrote.
“While the moments of being on stage in front of all of you have been some of the most exhilarating and calming, this year I have been struggling.”
“If I was to think really hard about it, my anxiety has dictated a lot of my life and career, and I feel sad about that.
“But it has also made me who I am, and sometimes at my most terrified, when I feel that there is no escape from the sheer panic and dread in my heart and brain, I remind myself that I can feel.
“I feel so much and that is how I have got to this place in my life.”
The 35 year-old said she had decided to share the personal information on the final day of the year to reply to those who had often asked how she was doing.
“I’ve been too scared to admit that the answer is, not very good,” she said.
“I feel like something is broken inside – something that has been echoed deeply by the few I have opened up to.
“This is something so, so many people have gone through, you may be going through right now, or might go through in future – and I just wanted to say, and I have to remind myself all the time, that it’s not just you, it’s not just me.
“Crippled by anxiety.”
Goulding welcomed her son Arthur with art dealer husband Caspar Jopling in April 2021.
On Christmas Eve she sang for the British royal family’s Christmas carol concert, which was broadcast on ITV.
She said that these experiences, along with making more music, had also made 2021 “the best year of my life”, and reminded fans that “life is precious”.
“I know many of you reading this feel this same pain and at the same time many of you won’t have experienced it, but will most likely known someone who has struggled,” she said.
“For those that are in this right now, we’re together and we can get through this – most importantly, by talking.
“Talking and opening up is the hardest, and the best thing you can do.”
“Life is a precious thing and…I have so much love and energy for anyone going through this.”
Signing off she added: “2022 is going to be that bright year. Positive energy. Together.”
