A young Donegal woman who was raped and sexually abused by her father when she was a child has said she will no longer imprison herself in “feelings of guilt and shame that are not mine to carry”.
Karen Harkin read her victim impact statement during the sentencing on Monday of her father Michael Carter (55) who was found guilty last month of one count of rape and 25 counts of sexual assault when his daughter was aged between nine and 12 years old.
The court heard Carter does not accept the verdict of the jury and maintains his innocence.
Ms Harkin's parents were separated, and the court heard the abuse occurred when she visited her father's rented home.
Blaming herself
Now 22, Ms Harkin told the court that blaming herself was a way she coped. She said it seemed easier “because having to accept the fact that my father chose to do this to me is too hard, too painful, too difficult to understand”.
In her victim impact statement, Ms Harkin said Carter took away not only her childhood years but “the prime years of my life”.
She said she should have been loved and cared for during her childhood years. Instead, she was “used”, “raped” and subjected to pornography.
“I was living a life no young girl should ever live.”
She said she isolated herself as “I didn't want anyone to know the shameful things that were going on in my life.”
Ms Harkin said she may never understand why her father chose to abuse her and made her feel it was her fault “without ever saying a word”.
However, she said she is doing “what I have to do for me” as “it's what younger me deserves because this is no longer her guilt to carry, it is her father's”.
Ms Harkin said it was “exciting” and “normal” to visit her father when she was younger, and they spent time doing “all the normal things fathers and daughters did”.
She said everything changed when she was nine. “I was no longer a little girl and I never would be again.”
Ms Harkin said she didn't understand or know what was happening when Carter first touched her.
“How is a child supposed to feel about their father touching them in places he never should have been touching them?”
She said she “lay there while he did what he wanted to do”.
'Back to normal'
“I didn't know what else to do, he was an adult, so who was I to second guess what he was doing? It just happened and that was it. I used to visit him each time not knowing when it would happen again.”
She said things would “go back to normal” and the abuse was not spoken about afterwards which also affected her.
She recalled painting with her father when the news came on about an uncle being convicted for sexually abusing his niece.
“The first thing my father said when this came on was 'what kind of sick bastard would do that to one of his own?' My heart dropped after he said this. My mind started racing and was utterly confused.”
Ms Harkin said she was hurt and confused by her father's comments because “he was doing that exact thing to me”.
She said she started to overthink everything, but has now realised this was “his way of normalising what he was doing to me”.
“It was his way of passing his guilt onto me because he acted like what he was doing wasn't wrong at all”.
She said she felt an “unbearable amount of shame and guilt” for what had happened to her. She said the abuse had left her feeling “isolated, alone and lost”.
Isolated herself
Ms Harkin said she isolated herself socially and had no confidence in herself. She also suffered with anxiety and depression.
“I thought no one would ever accept me because of it. I felt dirty and tainted and broken.”
She added she is scared people will judge her and be “disgusted by the fact that I was abused by my father”.
“The only reason I feel all this is because of him, because he manipulated me into thinking that this was all my fault.
“But how could it be? I was nine and a child. I didn't even know what he was doing so how could I be at fault?
“He was my father, he was the one person who was supposed to care for me, keep me safe but he didn't. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway.
“I shouldn’t have to live my life feeling sorry for him, carrying his shame”.
This is the justice that nine-year-old me deserve
Ms Harkin said she is choosing to “no longer imprison myself in the feelings of guilt and shame that are not mine to carry”.
“This is the justice that nine-year-old me deserves and standing here today is the only way I could have gotten it, and for that, I am so proud of myself”.
Ms Harkin, who waived her anonymity, also expressed the hope that speaking out will help to reduce the stigma that this abuse carries with it.
“I hope that this will give others the courage to tell their story, to get justice for what they have been through”.
She said that she stills loves her father “for the good times”, “for the years we had together” and “simply because he is my father”.
“I can't change the fact that he is my father or that he did this to me. One day I may wake up and forgive him or I might never be able to forgive him, but just because I might never forgive him doesn't mean I will stop loving him”.
Guilty
Carter of Kinnego, Ballymagan, Buncrana, Co Donegal was found guilty following a Central Criminal Court trial of one count of rape and 25 counts of sexual assaults between June 2010 and June 2014.
Ms Justice Karen O'Connor adjourned the case to Tuesday when she will finalise the sentence.
Garda Sergeant Michael McHugh told James Dwyer SC, prosecuting, that the abuse occurred frequently when the victim visited her father's home and included inappropriate touching. The victim would be made to watch pornography with Carter, who would touch her vagina.
On one occasion, Carter raped Ms Harkin but stopped when she screamed.
Carter also touched the victim inappropriately while she was in the bath. Carter would on occasion get into the bath with her and abuse her.
Ms Harkin told an aunt about the abuse in 2016, but was not ready to make a formal complaint to gardaí until 2018.
New chapter
Ms Harkin said she is starting a new chapter in her life “filled with hope, happiness, love and dreams”.
Ms Justice Karen O'Connor told Ms Harkin that she should feel “very proud” for speaking out and finding the courage and strength to make a complaint and follow the process through.
She said Ms Harkin would help other children who may be in a similar situation to “know they are not alone” and perhaps to find the strength to come forward themselves.
Ms Justice O'Connor said Ms Harkin has a “bright future ahead” of her and hoped this would represent a “new chapter” for her.
Following his arrest in December 2018, Carter told gardaí in a pre-prepared statement that he had “never done anything wrong” to his daughter and that he “rejected and refuted” the allegations made.
He was charged in September 2020 and sent forward for trial. He was initially due to stand trial during 2022, however, this could not go ahead and a new trial date was set.
Carter has 12 previous convictions including one for trespass, one for harassment, and nine for road traffic offences.
Sgt McHugh confirmed to defence counsel that his client has no previous convictions of a sexual nature and nothing further is pending before the courts.
The court heard that the Director of Public Prosecutions' view is that the rape count falls into the more serious category and would warrant a headline sentence of ten to 15 years due to the age disparity, the breach of trust and the pattern of offending.
Defence counsel told the court his client does not accept the verdict of the jury and maintains his innocence. Carter has three children and one stepchild.
Counsel also asked the court to take into account that his client has no previous convictions of a similar nature when imposing sentence.
