From how we look to what we’ve got, it’s human nature to compare just about everything.
And it’s never more obvious than at Christmas, when stacks of new stuff means comparison culture is rife – particularly among children and young people, who constantly compare themselves to their peers both face-to-face and on social media, and will inevitably be sizing up everyone else’s Christmas gifts, and how they measure up to their own.
“The culture of comparison often takes root in everyday interactions long before the Christmas season,” points out family therapist Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari. “It manifests not only through overt comments that compare siblings but also subtly, in how we adults compare ourselves or our partners to others.
“To counteract this, it’s essential to consciously avoid both positive and negative comparisons in daily life, as both can foster a similar culture of comparison. This approach is especially crucial when it comes to festive occasions like Christmas, where the tendency to compare gifts and experiences can detract from the holiday’s joy.”
But what can parents do to stop comparison culture having a negative effect on their children over the festive period? Here’s some suggestions from Ben-Ari, author of books including Small Steps to Great Parenting (CreateSpace, £9.99)…
1. Make sure they have realistic expectations
As much as most parents would love to give their kids everything they want for Christmas, it’s not usually possible – especially during the current cost-of-living crisis. So it’s crucial for mums and dads to make sure their kids are aware that Santa isn’t very likely to be bringing them the expensive gifts on their wish-list this year – but that doesn’t mean whatever they do get won’t be great.
“As the holiday season approaches, parents can play a pivotal role in setting realistic expectations for gifts and activities,” explains Ben-Ari. “This foresight helps manage potential disappointments and lessens the urge to compare. More importantly, it shifts the focus from the materialistic value of gifts to the thought and intention behind them.
2. Discuss the valuable ‘free’ joys of Christmas
Christmas isn’t just about the gifts you get, and parents need to make sure their kids understand this, says Ben-Ari. “In emphasising the non-material aspects of the holiday, such as family traditions, the joy of giving, and the value of spending quality time together, parents can offer a more enriching experience.
“For instance, gifting children an activity to enjoy together, one-on-one, reinforces the idea that time spent together is a precious gift in itself.”
3. Think about the language you use
Talk about your family values to your children, and be mindful of the language you use, advises Ben-Ari. “Language plays a vital role in shaping family values,” she explains. “By using inclusive language, like ‘In our family, we value…’, parents can effectively communicate these values to their children.
“The language used at home can significantly influence children’s perception of themselves and others.”
4. Subtly make them aware how unique they are
Another way of helping reduce how much children compare themselves and their gifts to their friends is to make them aware they are unique, explains Ben-Ari – so what’s great for one of their friends might not be great for them.
“By emphasising the uniqueness of each child rather than uniformity, parents can help reduce the tendency to compare during holiday seasons and beyond,” she says.
As an example, Ben-Ari says rather than allocating identical time slots for activities with each child, as in saying ‘I’ll read to your brother for 10 minutes and help you with your school project for 10 minutes,’ it’s more effective to tailor your approach to each child’s individual needs. So a better alternative would be ‘I’ll finish reading to your brother, then I’ll help you.’
“This approach emphasises responding to each child’s specific needs, rather than adhering to a rigid sense of ‘equal’ time,” she explains.
5. Encourage kids to make their own gifts
As well as saving money and keeping the kids entertained, Ben-Ari says if children make gifts it will help them appreciate that nice presents don’t actually have to cost anything. “Encouraging children to create personal gifts for others – such as drawings, crafts, cards, or poems – and recognising the thought and effort put into these gifts, serves as a powerful example of giving and receiving gifts that hold more sentimental than materialistic value,” she stresses. “This nurtures an appreciation for meaningful gestures and creativity.”
6. Make sure they feel they can talk to you
Ben-Ari stresses that while children of different ages, abilities, and personalities need diverse forms of attention and support, they all need to feel they can talk to their parents about how they feel.
“Creating an environment where children feel safe and comfortable discussing their feelings is essential,” she stresses. “If they express feelings of jealousy or inadequacy, it’s important for parents to address these concerns empathetically and without judgment, fostering open communication and emotional resilience.”
