Have you been reflecting on your friendships lately? As we adjust to post-lockdown life, how we spend our precious time and energy – and who with – seems like a hot topic.
But, how do you know when a friendship has run its course?
How do you feel after spending time together?
“I think we can recognise how we feel when we’re around people – whether we feel better when we’ve been with them, or whether it’s been a bit of an energy vacuum,” says clinical psychologist and author, Marianne Trent (goodthinkingpsychology.co.uk).
“What we’ve realised during the pandemic is sometimes being away from people and having them in our lives less led to us feeling better about ourselves and our situations. And then when you’re back together again, you think, ‘Oh, I wasn’t really feeling that way before. I wonder what that’s about?’
“So perhaps this has empowered us to really think about the people in our lives, making sure they’re earning their keep and feel like a good fit for us, and it’s not just a one-way street. We shouldn’t just be with people who are take, take, take.”
Changing chapters
Trent is a big believer in how friendships can be “for a season, a reason or a lifetime – and we can make compassionate choices about whether to continue friendships”.
Therapist, relationship expert and author Marisa Peer (marisapeer.com), says: “There is a belief that friends are something you should keep for life, which can create tremendous pressure and doesn’t always serve us well. Although there are likely to be some friends you’ve known forever, people change depending on the journey life has taken them on, as well as their changing values and beliefs.
“People whose friendship developed over a mutual love of clubbing in their 20s might have little in common once they no longer share this interest. Nothing influences you more than the company you keep, and while we should absolutely cherish our friends, we should also let go of friendships that have run their course.”
Peer’s clubbing example could apply to numerous circumstances – a shared hobby, living near one another, being in the same job, having kids at the same school, etc. Sometimes, the friendship will shift when the circumstances change. “And sometimes we can just take a deep breath and be really grateful for the time that we’ve had in each other’s lives, but know that’s not necessarily a lifelong pledge,” says Trent.
“You can send out gratitude to the people who have been important in your life, whilst also knowing that doesn’t mean you need to spend all of your time with them anymore, or even have any new experiences with them.”
Going with the flow
If a friendship has truly gone sour and cutting ties feels like something that needs to be spelled out, that’s one thing. But the pandemic has magnified a different aspect of relationships: how they can naturally ebb and flow.
“People tend to become more aware of toxic situations as they grow older. If a relationship isn’t equal, isn’t based on trust and respect, leaves us feeling drained or we no longer have anything in common, then we are perfectly within our rights to decide to cut ties,” notes Peer.
“It doesn’t need to involve a dramatic scene to have closure – slowly releasing someone by cutting back on calls or interaction can be the gentlest way to let go. If you take the energy out of a friendship, it will fade away. Don’t ghost people – just tell them you are busy, you have other commitments, and let the relationship naturally end.”
Good friendships do take work
This isn’t to say we should be ditching friends left, right and centre. Thinking about what ‘serves us’ may be a buzzy concept right now, but do we also need to be mindful of how we’re interpreting that?
“Again, there seems to be this fictional concept that friendship is one long amicable joy ride, but this is the romanticised Hollywood version. No one is perfect and everyone can be challenging, irritating, or going through a tough time in life. It helps to remember we are all flawed people having flawed relationships – accepting this means we are more tolerant and easier on ourselves,” suggests Peer.
“Working through difficult times with friends is actually bonding, and will strengthen a relationship. Being able to communicate with those closest to you is an important skill that is needed in every facet of life.
“If you cut and run at the first sign of trouble, you are going to have superficial friendships throughout your life, and it is unlikely you’ll find anyone on hand to support you when you most need it… Know the difference between red flags in friendships, and someone who needs and deserves your support.”
You deserve to thrive
There can be plenty of anxiety and guilt around making decisions about relationships, with Trent noting there are lots of social constructs around how we “should” be.
The very idea of saying no and setting boundaries is still pretty new territory for many of us. Peer adds: “Fear of letting go of a friendship that you know isn’t good for you, usually stems from a lack of self-belief.”
Ultimately, Trent says: “You do deserve to be really thriving in interactions with friends. There should be a degree of comfort around the people we’re with. It shouldn’t feel like we’re outside our window of tolerance – where we’re anxiously trying to make more conversation, so there are no silences – or at the opposite end, when we’re mildly dissociating and wishing we were anywhere else.
“If you’re not in your window of tolerance when you’re with somebody, it’s possibly a sign it isn’t going to be a long-lasting relationship.”
