It’s becoming more and more common for children to move home for a period years after they’ve flown the nest. Whether it’s to save money in the cost of living crisis or following a relationship breakdown, most parents welcome their adult children home. But, if they’re earning, is it right to charge them some rent?
BACP-registered counsellor Katie Rose says there are no right and wrong answers.
“As parents, you might be considering charging your adult children rent for many different reasons. For some parents, it’s an essential contribution towards the cost of running a household, especially with rising food and energy prices. For others, it’s about teaching children responsibility, helping them to learn about budgeting, paying bills, and the cost of living,” she says.
But when it comes to our children, it can be hard to lay ground rules or ask for money.
“There might be all sorts of feelings associated with charging your children rent – you might feel guilty at having to charge them, or disappointed or embarrassed that you need the financial help.
“You might also feel proud that you have raised successful children who work and are able to contribute towards society and your household. You might feel judged by your friends or partner for the decisions that you have made around this,” suggests Rose.
When it comes to family, money can be an awkward subject. “Maybe your child will resent you for charging them rent or be annoyed at the rules surrounding this. Maybe they’ll push your buttons by not paying their rent on time, or not looking after their own space.”
How to deal with those feelings
“Everyone’s feelings will be different, but however you feel personally, take some time to sit with those feelings and explore them, talk them through with a counsellor, or with someone you trust, and reflect on your own experiences,” suggests Rose.
“This will enable you to respond from a considered place and make more confident, well-informed decisions that will benefit your relationship in the long-term.”
Charging your children rent might conflict with some of your core beliefs, she explains.
“Core beliefs are a person’s fundamental assumptions about themselves, the world and other people. They are often formed in childhood – from our parents and from society around us. These beliefs are seemingly unshakeable – but when we begin to hold them up to the light and examine them, we can sometimes loosen our hold on them and the way that they inform our world.
“In this instance, core beliefs might be around the idea that ‘people should pay their own way once they’re able’, or conversely ‘we should support, love and nurture our children forever, and could never dream of making them pay for this support’.
“Maybe you believe that children should learn independence or that staying at home hinders their development. None of these are right or wrong, but it’s worth examining your own core beliefs and where they come from.
“It’s always helpful to ask yourself, ‘What did my parents do for me?’, but at the same time consider whether the world has changed. Are your circumstances different and do these values that you have learned still apply?
How to decide on the practicalities
Boundaries are the limits and guidelines that define what you are willing to accept in your life.
“Some boundaries can be too porous or rigid, but ideally, we should aim for healthy boundaries and work towards establishing these. Healthy boundaries might look different for different people,” says Rose.
“Healthy boundaries create a balance between your own needs, and the needs and demands of others. These are some boundaries that you might want to consider, such as: What’s included in the rent? When might there be a rent increase? Is there a time limit on this arrangement? What happens if there’s a falling out or disagreement? When do they pay – and what if they don’t? Can they have friends to stay – or even have a partner move in? Do they work from home?
“Although these might feel like hard conversations, or unusually business-like, consider that some planning and boundary setting now might avoid a lot of difficulty in the future.
“When thinking about how much rent to charge, there are lots of different decisions. Do you charge an arbitrary amount, something that feels appropriate but not based on any particular calculations? Or maybe you charge them a percentage of their earnings, or a split of the household budget.
“And what will you do with the money that they pay you? Will you spend it on household expenses? Luxury holidays? Or save it and give it back to them in time? All of these important questions and decisions might inform your feelings – and theirs, around these issues.”
And she doesn’t believe it will necessarily have a negative impact on the relationship with adult kids.
“The great thing about charging your children rent is that this can also strengthen your relationship and elevate it to a more adult dynamic,” she says.
“Carefully managed, you can model mature, adult conversations, help them to learn about the world and to navigate difficult conversations around money and boundaries.”
To find a counsellor registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, visit bacp.co.uk.
