Ask Audrey: It's a shame to fly so far to see a dangerous wasteland – particularly when you live so close to Carrigaline

Fri, 14 Jun, 2019 - 01:00

Hey. I’m rich but sound, which is why I bought a 2009 Opel for driving up to my tennis-outreach programme in Churchfield, because arriving up in my Merc SLK would be shouting “You people are beneath me” which is true in so many ways but there is no need to rub it in their faces. (And, lets eat some honesty beans here, they’d todally steal it.) Anyway I’m writing a book about my experiences called My Year Among the Norries, with a whole chapter on trying to make myself understood to people who say ‘I do be’ instead of ‘I am’. I think this book will appeal to anyone who wants to find out about the northside without going up there, which is a brilliant description of your average punter in Ballintemple. Do you think anyone else will buy it? — Ed, Ballintemple.

My cousin works in publishing because he’s terrified of making money. I asked him what he thought of your idea. He said that’s the worst book idea I’ve heard since The Sophisticated People of Knocknagree. I said, is that really a book? He said, it’s more of a flier really.

Hi. I’m going to come straight out and say it — the conventional way of doing things can just kiss my ass, capiche? I’ll stop at nothing to show I’m not one of those sheep-le (geddit?) who likes the straight and narrow, and have no problem doing something crazy and disgusting just to prove my point. (I’m currently sleeping with a guy from Dundalk.) Anyway, I binge-watched the TV show Chernobyl (illegally) last night and decided that is EXACTLY the kind of place someone like me should be going on holidays. Is that crazy or what? — Deirdre, Crosshaven, people call me Disruptor.

I’m amazed they call you at all. I don’t know, it seems like an awful waste of time and money to fly half way around the world to a terrifyingly dangerous waste-land — particularly when you live so close to Carrigaline.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of senior Tories, where Piggy Dense-Puffington gave a rather good talk on the strategic importance of telling everyone that you once took Bolivian Marching Powder. (That’s cocaine for the less-educated, which I would imagine includes you and all the other knuckle-dragging spud munchers on your sad little island, no offence I’m sure.) Anyway when Lippsy Rice-Tennyson asked where we might go to learn about drugs, someone suggested West Cork. So we’re flying over tomorrow with all the leadership candidates. Fantastic. Would you be so good as to show us around? — Lord Edward d’Servant-Shagger, almost all of Suffolk, will we be able to understand your locals?

Dhere, mhuise, crysht, you might!! I’ve only one thing to say to people who think West Cork is riddled with drugs: you should see Midleton. Anyway, I won’t be there. The only thing worse than an afternoon with Boris Johnson would be falling down three flights of stairs into a bucket of vomit. (Flashback to my hen!)

Hi girl. I’m the leading social media influencer in Cork measured by the number of my followers who haven’t noticed that I just take Kylie Jenner’s Instagram posts and substitute Myrtleville for Malibu Beach. #FakingItOutofThePark Anyway I saw #Kylie took a lot of flak during the week for her Handmaid’s Tale party so I rang my guru (Donal, he’s a beautician in Grange) and said are you thinking what I’m thinking and he said Young Offenders party with everyone dressed as Norries and just cackled down the phone at me like a super-villain. So anyway, is there a fancy-dress shop that specialises in Norry outfits, or should I just to go to a tracksuit shop? – @yousowishlike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo

My cousin gave me a very good deal on a naughty nurse outfit when My Conor was having problems with erectile dysfunction. (Still a waste of money.) I said to her, what’s the best way to look like a Norry? She said wear a moustache. I said OK and what if you want to look like a GUY from the northside? #Hilaire.

C’mere, what’s the story with the old doll trying to have a conversation during sex. I started going out with this one with a Mitchelstown accent a few months ago, she have this fake tan that makes her look Spanish, I’d a be weak for her all the time. The problem is she do be fierce talkative, even for an old doll. It’s no joke listening to her banging on about her sister buying the same dress as her in Penneys when I’m trying to close my eyes and pretend she’s an air hostess that was on our flight to Lanzarote. (We all have our own thing.) So, can I just tell the old doll to shut up, will’a? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I tend to talk a lot during sex, usually telling My Conor not to worry, it could happen to the best of us. #WhiteLie I passed your question on to my sex expert friend from Kinsale. She said, that’s actually classified as a fetish practised by debauched perverts. I said, talking during sex? She said, no, getting turned on by a Mitchelstown accent. #MightAsWellBeFromTipp